Never Gonna Grow Up

Because I am adult, I went straight from my condo closing to the bar with my realtor. Several glasses of wine later I took the El to my new place, bought a handle of vodka and proceeded to get blackout drunk in my new place with the carpet cleaner guy, two of my besties and zero furniture.

I woke up in my old place with no recollection of getting there.

Sorry for partying.

- Bethany
Chicago, IL

Partying A Little Too Hard With The Democratic Party

The Democratic National Convention was in town, and there were these ridiculous parties every night after convention business wrapped up. I was a nanny over the summer and the people I nannied for had a lobbyist friend in town. He had credentials and passes for just about everything, and after partying all week they decided to take a night off and give me their passes to a party.

I decided to bring these two guys I went to high school with to this party. I drove to the train station and we took the train downtown. I was wearing these new shoes and I thought they were reasonably comfortable. We pregame a little on the train and head to the club where the party was. None of us had ever been there and we were not sober enough to find it. We walk for a really long time and my feet are DYING. Finally we find it and we head inside.

We get IDed and go in, and there were not many people there yet. To give you a rundown of the people that were there, I would say 90 percent were over 40. There were lots of lobbyist and DC people I later learned, and I was the only girl there under 30. Ok so it is a free top shelf open bar. I start out drinking kettle one and tonics and had a ton and the boys I'm with were drinking beers, and then we decide that we are going to start doing shots with the cocktail waitress because everyone else there is obnoxious. So now we are like pounding patron and I had to keep drinking because my feet just hurt so so bad and it is getting pretty crowded in this place. There is a dj but no one is dancing. So of course I made my friends start dancing with me and we are literally the only ones in there dancing. Then we start doing shots with all these middle aged DC guys. I make a deal with my boys that I have to go hit on and dance with whoever they chose, and there was this huge tool who was all by himself and on his blackberry all night so I'm wasted and ask him to dance.

Everyone I had just made friends with over shots is laughing at me as I stumble around, and this guy turns out to be suchhh a tool. I ask him why he is at the convention and he says, "I'm a lobbyist." So, naturally, I respond "that's what i want to be when i grow up!" And then he started kissing me! what a pedophile. But i am drunk and we are making out and no one else is even dancing... everyone is just watching this scene take place. So appropriate. Then we stop dancing thank god and I start chatting with the dj. He tells me to come hang out in his dj booth and once there I tell him I need to hear Miley Cyrus. He says he doesn't have any and I beg him to play Brit Spears, which he does. And no one likes it. Then things get kind of hazy. I vaguely remember getting in a cab with my one of my friends because we missed the last train but we were not with my other friend. So then we got the cab to take us to my car at the train station and luckily I guess I decided I was too drunk to drive so we just slept in my car? ok here's the good part of the story...

We wake up at like 6:00 all confused and unfortunately fooled around a little. Then we decided it would be hilarious to go get breakfast and eat it in the quad at our HIGH SCHOOL. So we go get bagels, I clearly am in no state to operate a moving vehicle, and we go to school and hang out in the quad. I am wearing a dirty, wrinkled cocktail dress, have makeup all over my face and my feet are bloody and shoeless. We realize that we don't know anyone at our high school any more so we just start talking shit to everyone and all the kids are completely freaked out and upset. I guess you don't see many morning afters at high school now that i think about it. So then I see my little sister's friends and they were like what the fuck is she doing, and then my sister comes walking over and is so mortified. Everyone hardcore judges my friend and I. She begs me to leave, disaster. Then the bell rings and we leave and i go home, eat an entire bag of smartfood white cheddar popcorn, and nurse the hangover from hell.

Sorry for wearing the shoes from hell, sorry for sloppily making out in front of an entire club full of important, influential people, sorry for looking like a crack whore at my high school, not sorry for partying.

-Anonymous
Chicago, IL

Why You Should Always Lock your Door...

One rainy wednesday summer night my roommate her boyfriend & I decided to get hammered at our apartment. Now we don't just have a few drinks and pass out, we get shitfaced. Hey, we're young! We were waiting for my friend David to come over but he had previously told us he had to as he put it "stick his D in something before it fell off" first so would be over shortly after he was done. We were all hanging out and roommate Carol was being crazy just texting texting calling calling, but we knew he wouldn't care. If i had done it, it would of been a problem..yeah its one of those situations. Meanwhile Carols friend Victoria called to say her and her boyfriend were having problems so we told her to get he ass off the couch stop crying and get to our house. When she got there we were all pretty ridiculous.

This is when the great part starts. Carol has a great idea to just GO to Dave's house because he wasn't picking up. So we get our shit grabbed as many beers as we could picked a good DD and headed out. When we arrive to his house we got all of our stuff out of the car and bust down the walkway to his house. Carol, being the subtle lady she is, barges in beers in hand only to find Dave fucking this girl we all work with, some slutty boyish looking whore named Herby. I was right behind Carol and wanted to attack the bitch but just stood there, Carol looks back at us and goes "DUDE DAVE IS FUCKING HERBY" in the rudest most disgusting way possible. ( i LOVE her). Dave jumps up / out of her runs to the door buck ass naked trying to cover his D and says "OUT IMEDITALY" and slams / locks the door in our face. Carol and Victoria proceed to bang on the door, try and break in through the windows.. Victoria is on the porch trying to peek in yelling "HEY DUDE I GOTTA USE THE BATHROOM... NOW!!!" Just an absolute scene we were making at 2am. After trying to get in for about 20min and spending another 20 laughing out asses off we gave up and drove home.

If you have ever busted in on your friend doing a whore its the funniest thing in the world. Espically when he thinks so the next morning.

We are sorry for watching you two fuck & making Herby's life hell by telling EVERYONE we know at work including our boss.. but we are so NOT sorry for partying!!!!!!!!!!

- CR & CD
Avon, CT

Shiraznologists Have One Too Many Too

I used to get really drunk all the time. And I'm not saying I'm some class of nun now. I guess those days of drinking 2-3 bottles of wine in an hour or two are just behind me. Anyhow, my partner in crime, Nicole*, and I were sort of known about town for getting dressed up in our finest vintage frocks and heels, getting blitzed, dancing like crazy, and pretty much painting the town glitter.

So one night we hear theres a party at the Crunk Palace, this shitty loft on the West Side that 4 people lived in with no walls, just curtains and a not many inhibitions. We get there and theres music on, and we've got 3 of those huge bottles of yellow tail shiraz, and 45 minutes later I am telling everyone at the party that I dropped out of school to study shiraznology. Apparently thats really hot, or else everyone just loves really drunk girls. Next thing I know I am in one of the curtained "rooms" making out with 3 people.

I ended up waking up at a different friend's house with wine stains on my lips and clothing I didn't remember. From what I heard the next morning, I lost my skirt and my shoes, got dressed in someone else's pants and walked out of the house without shoes on. This guy followed me out and said I was wandering in the road barefoot complaining about not being able to find my car. He said he lured me into his car with promises of cake.
I think I was more fun then.

Sorry for not partying anymore.

- Anonymous
West Mitten

A Special Feature

Thanks to Katy for the link!

Badly Injured Man Not Done Partying Yet